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Written by Chris Yandek
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Thursday, 01 February 2007 |
 
Interview Conducted February 1, 2007
Jen Schefft won the heart of the man with the full package on the third installment of The Bachelor, but broke off the engagement feeling she had to give up who she was to be with him. She came back to ABC as The Bachelorette and turned down two proposals from two different men. The magazines, TV, and America were on her about never being able to be happy, but the Chicago Bears fan is back with a new book titled Better Single Than Sorry where she talks about never settling and taking time to enjoy life around you even if you don't have a spouse, but we also talk some football.
Before we talk about the book and the Chicago Bears, what have you been up to in your life since we last saw you on TV and how has the dating scene been for you?
"The dating scene has definitely been very interesting. Being on the show has kind of put an interesting spin on things and you never know how people are going to react to it. I live in Chicago. I work in public relations. I guess the last two years, that's when The Bachelorette ended, I have been writing a new book Better Single Than Sorry."
Better Single Than Sorry is a book that includes testimonials of the single, married, people in committed relationships with children, and even single mothers. How did you gather your research and testimonials to show the reader what these people have experienced?
"What it really started off as, I put together a big email with all these questions, that I need to talk to lots of women, and I sent it to my friends, and every woman that I know. I was like please if you can answer this or help me or send this to friends of friends of friends. It started off with a few of my contacts and luckily there were nice enough to pass it on. Lots of women had great stories and they were willing to contribute and that was great."
The fact that more women are going to college, becoming more independent, and making their own dreams happen, it seems to be that realization at least from the female perspective is that I can wait for the right person, there is no rush, and I should enjoy who I am as a person overall and I think that's what really the book is trying to get across in today's society?
"Oh absolutely, 100 percent. We don't need men. We don't need to be coupled off to be complete. I want to be with someone and I want to have a relationship, but I want that to be the right person. In the meantime, I am not going to put my life on hold and I am not going to settle for the sake of being in a relationship.”
From my opinion and the male perspective, I think we have to realize women want to be treated equally and we have to learn to listen to their thoughts, ideas, and opinions of who we are because they are out there in the corporate world doing the same things we are, making more money than we are at times, and any good relationship has to have a sense of balance and a common understanding, correct?
"Exactly...exactly, you have to be in the relationship with a person that respects you and you respect them. I think it's part of any good relationship when you communicate and you feel like you can be yourself and they make you a better person. They add to you and your self esteem and not take away from your self worth."
Was the main reason you broke off your engagement with Andrew Firestone who choose you originally on The Bachelor because you felt like you had to give up who you were and your life for him and you weren't feeling that you weren't getting any compromise from his side?
"Yeah, absolutely. I think that's really a huge part of it. I live out in Chicago and quit my job. I left my apartment and I left my home and friends and I moved into his life. That wasn't just his fault. It was my fault too for thinking that was the smart thing to do, but ultimately I just sort of thought wait a second, where do I fit in here? I am just trying to fit into someone else's life, but it wasn't being returned. I am not saying that he didn't try too, we saw my family a lot, we saw my friends a lot, but ultimately my life was based on fitting into his. I think a lot of women make that mistake. We just give up who we are for someone else. I think that is just the wrong thing to do because you can never be happy if you aren't true to yourself."
Was the hardest part the fact that the TV shows, tabloids, and people even on the street said you will never find a more successful guy than Andrew Firestone with the full package and even after The Bachelorette people said something must be wrong with you?
"Oh absolutely. No matter how strong of a person you are, you start to hear people telling you that you are crazy and something is wrong with you, you do start to doubt yourself. I really doubted myself and I thought maybe these people were right, maybe I am never going to be happy. I think ultimately what I really learned was that ok, you know what, I need to trust my own instincts. I can't listen to what other people have to say. I know what feels right for me and no one else is living my life. It took me a while to come to that realization. Now I feel so much stronger and it's sort of like I need to live my life and not worry what everyone else has to say about it whether it be fans of the show or friends, family members. I think that's an important message for all women too. You have to listen to yourself and trust your own gut instincts and no one else."
You mention in the book that The Bachelorette was a way for you to move on and get past what you were going through. Do you have any regrets about doing it even though you didn’t find what you were looking for again?
"No. Obviously watching the show there are plenty of things I wish I could've done differently. As soon as the show was over and I received all that backlash, I just thought I should've never ever have done this. What was I thinking? Now it's all said and done and a great book came from it. I think I never would've been able to write this book and put out this message that hadn't really happened to me. I wouldn't change anything."
In your book one of the ladies went to a retirement party for her father and she says,
"It was as if people didn't seem to think I was a valid person because I wasn't married." Why do you think people make such a big deal about this for women but not for men who aren't married?
"Unfortunately, my mother, she has been married for 33 years. I think my generation, I am also 30 years old, our parents were taught that women had to get married. Women had to land a man and have a man in their life to take care of them and they are just not up to speed yet in terms of ok wait a second we don't really need that. We are still getting pressures from our mothers who kind of put pressure on us when we were young and they are putting pressure on us now as we are getting a lit bit older. I think that will change, but it's gonna take some time. We have to stand up to those people and either say something or just not let it bother us. We can't necessarily change how they view things, but we can change how we view things."
One of the main things I found quite interesting in your book is regarding women who play hard to get. "Game players don't believe they have enough to offer on their own, so they try to do things they think make them seem more appealing." Shouldn't someone you are with like you for who you are no matter and why do you think there is this self doubt and insecurity?
"I think inherently most people are insecure. I am insecure. We are all insecure. We want people to like us. Sometimes we change the way we are acting. We think we know what they want and we try to be that and instead I don't want someone to fall in love one way because they think I am one way and find out I am another way and all of a sudden they don't like me. I think it's kind of what you see is what you get. You have to remember that you don't need every man to fall in love with you, you just need one. That one person should fall in love with the you that you are happy with and the you that you love. You can't turn into someone else because eventually your true colors are going to come out and there is going to be some problems. Deep down you know who you are."
The Super Bowl is this Sunday, but I will pose the question to you, what do women really think of football and other sports their male partners watch?
"I think sometimes we don't understand it, but at the same time I read US Weekly and I don't think men understand that. It's one of those things that ok we can agree to disagree. My dad is a huge football fan. I am from Cleveland. We are Browns fans and that has always been sort of unrewarding obviously, but now I am in Chicago and have lived here for ten years and I am a huge Bears fan. I think really we don't understand it sometimes, but when your team gets to the Super Bowl and everybody is excited about it I think that's when we can all get into the game and have fun with it."
Rex Grossman is 15-3 as they head into the Super Bowl this Sunday. Being a Chicago native, why do you think people are so tough on Rex Grossman even though he has not the Peyton Manning of the world?
"The team is doing well, but Rex has his good games and bad games. It's easy to find a scapegoat and it's easy to say we'd be doing better if it wasn't for him. He's definitely shaky. I think he really has come through in the playoffs and I think he's going to have a great game. I do feel sort of sorry for him, but in a way he's the underdog. He doesn't have to live up to anything. If anything else, he has proven everybody wrong. I think that's sort of a great story in itself. It's like hey look what I am doing. I am in the Super Bowl."
Why do you think it’s so hard for that group of women to get interested in sports when their male companions are watching or what should a male do to get his female companion more involved while he's watching sports on TV?
"This is not my advice to men, this is my advice to women. If I want to go shopping on a Saturday I don't want my boyfriend to tell me I can't go. He can watch football. I want to give that to him. I think women sometimes think, well why does he like football more than he likes me? Well, he doesn't like football more than he likes you, but the football game is on and he's been into it since he was a little boy. Let him have his thing. He will be happier with you in the end if you didn't nag him the whole time. Just let the men have their football. You do things they don't understand and obviously they do things we don't understand. That's why we have to celebrate our differences. This guy, one of my good friends was like well I don't want to go shopping with you on Saturday so why can't you just let me watch my football. I don't need you to watch it with me. I totally agree with that."
Finally, what do you want people to most take away from this book and anything else you'd like to talk about?
"I think this book really is for everyone. Mostly I think it's for mothers to give to their daughters and daughters to give to their mothers. Sometimes the mothers are the ones that put the most pressure on us. It's just a good message for everyone of all ages. You have to be true to yourself, wait for the right person, and don't settle. Do whatever it takes to make you happy."
You can find more information about Jen Schefft’s upcoming book appearances and information on Better Single Than Sorry at the link below:
http://www.harpercollins.com/books/9780061228070/Better_Single_Than_Sorry/index.aspx
About Jen Schefft
Jen Schefft is a native of Chicago, Illinois and works in public relations. Schefft won the heart of Andrew Firestone on the third installment of The Bachelor in 2003 on ABC. The couple would end up getting engaged, but the engagement was broken off nine months after show. She decided to come back and try a second chance at love on the sister ABC show The Bachelorette in 2005, but didn't accept proposals from the last two men. The TV shows, tabloids, and all of America made comments about her not being able to be happy. Jen Schefft has choose not to settle and has written a new book about it titled Better Single Than Sorry. Jen is also a huge Chicago Bears fan.
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Last Updated ( Thursday, 05 July 2007 )
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